Date Night!
by ultimo thy fiction writer
Summary: Peter and MJ set Dick up on a blind date. What could go wrong? Everything.


Nightwing has been waiting for this all night. He found out where some of Bludhaven's biggest cocaine dealers get there stuff and he intercepted the transfer. The last one jumped in a car and now he was hanging on for dear life when his cell phone suddenly begins to ring.

"Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does whatever a spider can…"

"A little busy now, Spidey, and hey! When'd you change my ringtone?

Spider-Man is at a construction site fighting the Rhino.

"Oh come on! You know you love it. It's so darn catchy."

Rhino is swinging away, but Spider-man dodges his blows.

Will you calm down for a sec, Hornhead? I'm talking here. Besides, we know how these construction site battles go. Eventually, you're gonna fall in cement."

"No I ain't. I'mma lot smarter than I used to be. I'll show you."

Spider-Man back flips thirty feet away from Rhino. Back in Bludhaven, Nightwing is struggling to get to the driver's window.

"What do you want, Webhead?"

"Hold on just one more minute. I'm about to make Rhino look like a complete idiot."

"As if that's hard."

"Shut up. This is how I get my jollies."

Spider-Man puts his phone down and begins monologing.

""You know what, Rhino? You're right. You have gotten smarter. A lot smarter. So smart that I know there's no way I can beat you. So go ahead. Punch my head off. Impale me with your horn. I don't care. I'm done fighting it."

Spider-Man struggles to hold back a giggle.

"I'm gonna go with impale. I like that one."

Rhino begins charging at Spider-Man head first. At the last second, Spider-Man web-swings into the air and Rhino falls into a vat of cement.

"Bahahahaha! I can't believe you fell for that. I mean, really? Hahahaha!"

By this time, Nightwing has stopped the car, tied the dealer to a street lamp and has swung to a rooftop.

''You should be ashamed of yourself."

"It's funny cuz he's stupid. Haha."

"I know, I know. So what'd you want to talk about?'

"Oh, yeah that."

Spider-Man puts his hand up his mask to wipe away the tears of joy.

"How'd you feel about me setting you up on a blind date?"

"A blind date? I don't know."

"Come on. It's with one of my ex-girlfriends. Have I ever dated an ugly chick?"

"Hhmmm. Come to think of it, no. No you haven't. It's really weird. For a big nerd like yourself, you've never had trouble getting the hot chicks."

"It's my spider-attractiveness. One of my powers."

"Must be. Is Mary Jane putting you up to this?"

"Mary Jane? No way, man. I just got to thinking. Things are never quite here or there with you and Oracle. Starfire's out in space somewhere. Plus, I know how stressful things have been in Bludhaven lately. I just want to introduce you to a nice, fun girl that I know you'll have a good time with. And Mary Jane put me up to it."

"I knew it! That girl thinks I'm gonna die alone."

"It's not that. She just wants your happiness. Remember, MJ's –"

"Pushy because she cares. I know. I'll do it. Just this once."

"I was gonna say 'always right' but as long as you're coming. Be at my place Saturday night at six."

Spider-Man hangs up and hurries home to tell MJ. He is so excited, that he leaves Rhino there without calling the police.

"Stupid Webhead! I'm gonna grind his bones to dust, I'm gonna-"

"Will ya shut up? I'll have you out in a sec."

Suddenly, the Shocker appears and blasts him out of his cementy prison.

"Shocker, how long have you been here?"

"Long enough to see you get your butt handed to you, but you're still in luck. I wanna hire you."

"Hire me? For what?"

"To do what you do best. Distract."

Soon, Saturday night rolls around and Dick is straightening his tie in the mirror of Peter's living room.

"So what crap are we feeding this girl about how we know each other?"

"I think MJ and I settled one your father knowing my uncle. We saw each other a few times as kids but drifted apart until we ran into each other at one of MJ's fashion shows."

"Sounds plausible enough, I guess. What's her name again?"

"For the last time, her name's Betty Brant, she's an investigative reporter at the Bugle and she enjoys romantic comedies. Especially ones with Matthew McConaughey."

"So basically every movie he's ever done. Ever."

"Yeah pretty much, but don't hold that against her."

"I'll try. Not saying I'll succeed. What'd you say the name of this play was?"

"Death Thou Art The Moon. Yeah, I know it makes no sense of any knid, but we got the tickets free from an old theatre director friend of MJ's . Nice lady, but a weakness for bad boys which resulted in MJ having to talk her off the ledge a few times. Figuratively, not literally…I think…ready to go?"

At the theatre lobby, Mary Jane is giving Betty a pep talk.

"Don't worry yourself so much. He'll like you, I promise. There's nothing not to like."

"Besides the fact that I'm a neurotic nutcase who hasn't been on a date since fire was invented. And what if he doesn't like Matthew McConaughey?'

"I'm sure you'll work past it."

"maybe we could work past it, but all of the nerves have me thinking 'Is it worth it?' I mean, I have work I could be catching up on, laundry I could be doing, a special edition of Titanic to watch and…"

Peter and Dick walk in and look around for the girls.

"Hello salty goodness. Call them over here now."

"Right away Ms. Brant. Peter, we're over here."

Dick turns and sees Betty for the first time.

"Holy Aphrodite, Pete. I think I'm in love."

Both groups walk towards one another.

"You must be Betty Brant. I've heard quite a bit about you."

"Oh crap. Will you escort me inside anyway?"

"It'd be my pleasure."

They walk arm in arm and Peter whispers into his wife's ear.

"Mary Jane Watson-Parker, love doctor. Has a nice ring to it."

"Oh Peter, flattery will get you…anything you want, really."

In the alley next to the theatre, Shocker and Rhino are laying out their plans.

"Rhino, I need you to be a few blocks away causing a distraction while I…rob the audience of the play goin' on inside."

"Don't sound like your usual style, but 'What the hey?' as long as I get paid. Whatcha me to do exactly?"

"Toss some cars around, scare some old ladies, I don't care. I just want Spidey's attention on you while I take care of this."

"That I can do. See ya."

Inside, everyone has found their seats. Patricia, the theatre director, finds MJ.

"Oh, Mary Jane, so glad you could make it."

"Of course. Thank you for the-"

"I really need people right now!"

Patricia begins to sob. Loudly.

"My boyfriend, Hermy, and I broke up. Once I found out about his job, I couldn't stay with him anymore. But I…I…miss him SO MUCH!"

At this point, the entire audience is staring at her. It takes her a few seconds to notice.

"Um…this was a preview of scene 16 from act two. Hope you enjoyed it."

She runs backstage as fast as she possibly can.

"That was MJ's friend?"

"Neither her or Peter talk about her much. Now I know why."

A half-dozen blocks away, Rhino walks into traffic. He smashes cars, hits buildings with street lamps, basically causes general mayhem until he has a revelation of sorts.

"Wait a second. Shocker didn't tell me where we were meetin' up."

He tosses a car through a fifth story window.

"Guess I'll have my fun now and crush Shocker later."

Back at the theatre, minutes seemed to pass like hours. Peter, Dick, and Betty could not make heads or tails of what was supposed to be happening. Mary Jane, however, was on the edge of her seat. When it came time for intermission, Peter couldn't be happier. When he lifts himself from his seat, his spider-sense begins to tingle.

"My spider-sense is tingling."

"I know this play sucks, but I hardly think that qualifies as danger."

"No you idiot. Something's about to-"

Shocker suddenly jumps down, lands center stage, and blasts the ceiling above the doors to the lobby, blocking them.

"happen…"

"Ladies and gentleman, tonight's show will not go on as planned."

"Yes!"

"Shut up, Dick."

"That is, not until a certain someone stands right here next to me and admits her true feelings. If I see anyone make any sudden moves, I'll blast you. And even if one of you makes it out of your seat, I've wired this whole place with explosives and I won't hesitate to set them off. And in case you thought Spider-Man was gonna show up, I've got my friend Rhino keeping him busy several blocks from here.'

"Peter, do something. I've got to find out what happens next."

"MJ, we have a potential massacre on our hands and you're worried about the next act of this crap fest? I mean…wonderfully written and beautifully acted masterpiece."

"I say we find a way to suit up, and take out Shocker and Rhino before my date wakes up. Who's with me?"

"Me. I owe Shocker a butt-kicking this month anyway. The question is, how?"

Patricia walks on stage. Mary Jane is stunned.

"Oh…my…God. She said she was into bad boys but I didn't think…"

"Hermy…Herman Schultz. It all makes sense. She's a supervillain slut."

"Peter!"

"I'm just sayin'."

Patricia finally works up the nerve to stand next to her ex.

"Hermy, honey, why are you doing all this?"

"Don't 'honey' me, Patty! You know exactly why. I'm doin' this to prove my love for you. I know why you dumped me. You didn't think I love you enough. Well is this enough? Is it?"

"Hermy, I broke up with you because you're a supervillain. We can't have a life together."

"That ain't true! I don't believe that!"

In the audience, Dick is very amused.

"Well, I'm amused. This is a show. But there are innocent people in the streets of New York who are being…annoyed by the Rhino and we've got to put a stop to it. What's the plan?"

"There's a door over there next to stage left. Shocker probably didn't think anyone would be brave enough to make a run for it. While Shocker's making his professions of love, you should be able to make it."

"Alright, here goes nothing."

Dick gets up and slowly tip toes from his seat to the exit. The rest of the audience stays silent hoping he'll get help. Shocker is too busy arguing with Patricia to notice until Dick is a few feet from the door. He tries to blast Dick, but he's able to make it out. Shocker becomes pissed. He seals the exit and begins shooting randomly at the ceiling. Pieces of debris fall down, injuring audience members.

"Do you see what you made me do? If you don't tell me you love me in five minutes, I'm killin' you, me, and everyone in this place."

"You're mad at me, Herman, Don't take it out on all these people."

"It's too late for that. Much too late."

Peter clenches his fist. It takes everything he has to not jump up there and take Shocker down.

"Hey Hornhead. Why don't you pick on someone half your size, but ten times your intelligence?"

Nightwing had tracked Rhino down. Not that it was very hard. Like always, the police had tried and failed to subdue him. It was all up to Nightwing now. Rhino began throwing objects at the flagpole that Nightwing was standing on. As he is back flipping towards a car, he throws batarangs at him. These don't do much more than anger him.

"I'm gonna rip you in half, bird boy."

"Sticks and stones, Rhino."

Rhino charges toward the car Nightwing is standing on. Nightwing back flips behind him and smiles. He left an explosive on top of the car. He takes advantage of Rhino's disorientation by pounding him with his Eskrima sticks, mainly focusing on his head. Rhino slaps him through a pizza parlor window. He then runs through the door of the pizza parlor and takes a swing at Nightwing, who dodges it, walks up the wall behind Rhino and slams both of his ears with his Eskrima sticks simultaneously. Rhino struggles to stay on his feet. One more solid kick to the face and Rhino passes out.

Back at the theatre, things are getting heated between Shocker and Patricia.

"And you never took me to that French restaurant like you promised!"

"I was gonna, baby, I swear. That was gonna be our next date."

"Can I please go up there and punch him in the face, please?"

"Give Dick a little more time for God's sake. He's fighting Rhino."

"Dick will take care of him in not time. That's why he's him."

A batarang hits Shocker in the head.

"See, what'd I tell you?"

Nightwing kicks Shocker in the back, knocking him down. Some of the audience members take this opportunity to clear the debris from the doors. Peter heads back stage.

"No! It wasn't supposed to happen this way."

"Excuse me if I don't feel sorry for a psycho stalker."

Nightwing trades blows with Shocker, who is able to blast him in the eyes. Spider-Man webs his hands together, swings across the stage and kicks him.

"He was bluffing about the explosives. It was just a ruse to scare the audience."

"That douche. Get her backstage."

Nightwing regains his composure and escorts Patricia away.

"Shocker, old buddy. It's a new month. You know what that means."

"Shut up. You and your boyfriend just ruined my only chance to win back the woman I love."

"He's not my boyfriend. He hasn't even asked me on a date yet. He's a shy little night stalker, that one."

Shocker attacks Spider-Man like a man possessed, not caring at all about the damage he's causing around him. Spider-Man is actually having trouble with him.

"Hermy! Hermy, come here."

Patricia is standing across the stage with open arms. Shocker stops what he's doing and runs to her.

"I've been lying to myself. I do love you."

"I knew it, I knew it. We're together again. I love you, Patty."

Patricia lifts his mask off and kisses him. While he's distracted, she takes a sedative from her pocket that Nightwing had given her and injects it into his neck.

"P-Patty…why?"

"Face it, Herman. The fat lady's sung."

"What? What'd I miss?"

Betty has just now woken up. Mary Jane tries to come up with something.

"Um…it's just…part of the show. It's not like you missed a story or anything."

"I missed a story! WHAT? What the heck happened?"

"Uh, oh look, there's Peter and Dick."

After a few minutes of Peter and MJ comforting Patricia and Dick comforting Betty, they all meet up outside.

"So what's next, gang? I think Ringmaster is turning people into mindless, killer zombies in Central Park."

"As fun as that sounds, Pete, I think Betty and I are gonna go get some waffles at Joe's Diner and have an actual conversation."

"Sweet. I love waffles. I-"

Mary Jane steps down on his foot.

"I'm suddenly not hungry at all."

Dick and Betty say good night and hop in a cab.

"But…waffles."

"I know, honey. But he has to leave the nest, spread his wings, soar into the night sky-"

"Enough with the obligatory bird metaphors. You're right. You always are. Let's go home."

Mary Jane puts her arm around her husband as they walk off in to the night.


End file.
